Cheap Shots and No Whats, 7th March, 2002

21Wrestling.com

Disclaimer: This column features the comments, thoughts and views of Matt Wilson, and his alone. 21wrestling.com does not endorse nor agree with his opinions and any complaints should be made to the man himself.

Welcome to the first edition of what I would have liked to have called "Matt Wilson's Boswic Hating Column", but after much persuasion by the 21wrestling.com staff, I've decided to call it "Cheap Shots and No Whats". Well, actually they threatened to take it to Mark Knight and make me suffer a pay cut if I didn't change it to something unbiased. Hrm. Remind me to add them to my revenge list. Yes, even you Paul.

What will I, one of 21w's brain-dead fans find in this piece of conceptual art titled "Cheap Shots and No Whats", you ask? Well, let me just say this, I'm drinking a few beers and writing whatever the hell comes to mind. Believe me, it will be as fun for you to read as it is for me to write. Whether the content is true or not, I couldn't give a damn... I'm gonna submit it anyways.

People keep asking me "What?". Hrm, good question, but I feel the bigger question is "When?", as in "When is my pizza going to get here?".

My sources tell me that Boswic was involved in an incident on the streets of Chicago several days ago. What happened, you ask? Apparently he suplexed an ice cream vendor through his stall because they ran out of his favourite flavour, tuti fruti. Temper temper, Boston.

While we're on the subject of Boswic, am I the only one who finds it funny that his real name is Boston when his hometown is Chicago? Bah, you people wouldn't understand.

It's sad to see Hostile Grounds break up. Oh well, bring on the System! These guys were good pre-System, but now that they've teamed up, they're even better. Not too sure about the Component numbers 1 and 2, though. Maybe they should bring Jacob Utsler into the group and form a threesome... uh... forget I said that.

If there were one man I wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley, without a shadow of a doubt, it would be Mr Haunt. This guy is seriously creepy. Run Aren. Run for your life. Gah, I just can't believe this guy... how the hell did he know about Aren's childhood possessions? But the thing is... we've all seen Aren's phobias on television before - fear of public speaking, fear of doors, fear of deodorant (heh, I just threw that one in) - can you imagine what it's like to be Aren Archer right now? I've seen him backstage - he's paranoid - Mr Haunt's mind games are working like a charm. But when these two are scheduled to meet in the ring, I think Aren will need
to be dragged kicking and screaming down the aisle...

Freakred is sick... and that's a good thing. After reviewing the tape of Uncut from a couple of weeks ago, and I have to say that that chairshot replaces Tommy Dreamer's chairshot on Raven as the "Chairshot Heard 'Round the World". I haven't seen Steve-O anywhere since that night. Not backstage, the 21w offices, the 21w training facility - nowhere. Congratulations Freak... I owe you a coke.

I demand a new broadcast partner. Kris is forever making up names for moves. Come on, "leg grapevine"? What the hell? Gimme the good old "twisty leg thing" any day!

This just in... "Golden" Glen Miller is thinking about purchasing some property in the UK. Does anyone happen to know how much London is selling for these days?

For those who've asked, my gamblers help program is going really well. I'm down to gambling three times a day! Whooo! Who the man? Matt's the man!

My homey Fingers tells me that brothers Jacob Utsler and Vendetta (or should I say Wendy?) are considering officially entering the tag team division here in 21w. The reason? Utsler is jealous of Billy and Chuck of the World Wrestling Federation. "If they can do it, so can we" is his motivation, apparently... but I think it may be something else, you know, the fact that he'd be in the ring with 3 other guys, compared to one on one. But, I tell you this, if he starts bringing the softcore style to tag team matches... ugh... dude, that's just sick...

People have been asking me who I feel will win the tournament to decide who goes on to face the heavyweight champion (Cough, Glen Miller, cough cough) at 21w Titania. My answer? I really don't know. Whether I like the superstars entered in the tournament or not, there is a lot of talent there, and I think at this moment in time, anyone could win it.

Now I would like to introduce to you a regular feature in "Cheap Shots and No Whats", it's a little list I've compiled which I like to call "The Big 6". It's one better than the big five... five better than the big one... twice as good as the big three. This edition's topic? Why "Golden" Glen Miller is still the man.

6. At 49 years of age, he's still got - get ready for this - all of his own hair. Oh, it's true.

5. He has the best manager in the business, Torbensen. Come on, Torby has been with Glen for years now, and anyone who likes Glen that much is all right in my book.

4. Has no signs, I repeat, no signs of sagging manboobs. Not even a little.

3. Glen has the most original and best finishing manoeuvre ever devised in professional wrestling history - period. Honestly, you never see it coming. Bam! Off one rope. Bam! Off the second. Kabam! Golden Elbow. Ahhh... I love it.

2. He's Golden.

1. Actually, he's a Golden God... I just couldn't think of any more reasons why Miller is the man, so I had to stretch it a little. But don't you think he isn't the man... cuz he is. Boy howdy, is Glen Miller the man! Random quote of the month? Life is an acorn - you bite it and it's hard. Think about it. I predict the following:

- Aren Archer will win gold before the summer... haha... okay, I made that one up.

- Sanchis Su Idolo will get mad because he isn't on the Soul Survivor poster. And who would blame him? I know exactly how it feels to be screwed over and over again when it comes to PPV posters. Seriously, who wants to see Tyke on a poster? Or Coby? Or Boswic for that matter? Bah.

- Boswic will grow some balls by fall... haha... I made that one up too.

- Freakred will leave the wrestling world and become a rapper. His first single? "My name is Freakred and my tag team partner just screwed me over so I'm gonna get some revenge by ramming my barbed wire baseball bat down his throat". Catchy, eh? Methinks that this one will reach to top of the charts in no time.

- Mr Haunt scares me. Wait, that isn't a prediction... hrm.

- 'the Original' Jeff Garvin is one talented sunnuva, and it won't be long till he's at the top of the rankings here in 21w. But if he thinks he's gonna get one up on Glen Miller, he's got another thing coming! Whooo!

- My pizza will never come. Dang.

- I'm going to run out of things to say...

- Umm... - Hrm...

- Boswic sux! Tehe.

Mike Ritz v Glen Miller at Soul Survivor? I don't see it working, personally. Sure, Mike Ritz is rather the golden chap himself, but, he's gonna be carried by Miller. Yeah, you heard me.

Were you as shocked as I was when we saw Tyke beat the hell out of his long time tag team partner and close friend, Coby Wright? I don't like either of those guys, but come on, this is big news! But you have to wonder, what part does Rayne play in this split? She is one sick, twisted and manipulative woman who is capable of anything... plus, she says lots of big words.

Speaking of Rayne... where the hell did she learn to fight like that?! Hrm, now that I think of it, maybe I'd better think twice about asking her out to dinner...

Well, I reckon I should end this edition while I'm ahead... uh... yeah... For now, I hope your burgers are cold and your drinks are warm, or something to that degree.

Adieu.

posted by Thomas Ford @ 10:09 AM